


when I looked to myself I was somebody else

by mythicalqueen



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Body Swap AU, F/F, also both of them are fucking idiots with feelings, even if they did it in like the worst possible way and also unintentionally, i guess there would be WORSE ways but this one sure aint good, shout out to these aliens for helping them with that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-18 21:00:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20645603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mythicalqueen/pseuds/mythicalqueen
Summary: She turned towards the noise, her eyes widening in shock when she saw her own body sitting up on a biobed. She looked for a reflective surface, her mouth falling slightly open when she found one. Or rather, Kira’s mouth. She reached up and touched her nose to confirm what she was seeing. “Julian, I'm not entirely sure what's going on, but I'm Jadzia.”Julian raised his eyebrows and Kira turned towards them. Confusion took over her features, followed by disbelief and then realization. She rolled her eyes. “So that's why it feels like there are seven other people in my head. There are.”





	when I looked to myself I was somebody else

**Author's Note:**

> so i've been trying to write this concept on and off (mostly off) for about 2.5 years now so i'm glad i finally forced myself to write it. title is from underline the black by metric which isn't really a kiradax song but the line works for a body swap au i feel lol. i hope you enjoy!

The door chimed, interrupting the log Sisko was making. “Come in,” he said from his desk. Kira entered the room. “What is it, Major?”

“I just spoke to the provisional government. A Bajoran shuttle left to explore the Gamma Quadrant and hasn’t made contact in a few days. They’re requesting that we send someone to check it out.”

Sisko nodded. “I can send a few officers.”

“Actually, Captain, I’d like to go if that’s alright,” Kira responded.

“Okay. Take Dax with you. Report back every few hours. We’ll keep an eye on you from Ops.”

“Thank you, sir,” Kira said, turning around and leaving. 

*

Dax was already seated at the helm when Kira arrived at the runabout. She took the empty seat as Dax turned to smile at her in greeting.

Dax tapped her combadge. “Dax to Ops. Huang He is ready to depart. Release docking clamps.” 

“Docking clamps released.”

“Take us out, Lieutenant,” Kira said. 

“Laying in a course for wormhole,” Dax responded. The shuttle continued forward and the wormhole appeared. Within seconds, they were in the Gamma Quadrant. “Entering last known coordinates of the Bajoran shuttle. We should be there in around five hours.”

Dax turned to Kira. “Are you alright? You look worried.”

“I am. This is one of the first big Bajoran space missions since the Occupation. We’re all hoping it goes well.” 

“Don’t worry. I’m sure they’re fine.”

*

After passing through the wormhole, there was nothing particularly interesting on their trip for a few hours. Jadzia had somehow been reminded of some story or another and was finishing an account of one of Curzon’s exploits. She was grinning, on the verge of laughter. Kira was, too.

“You know, sometimes I wonder how Curzon and Sisko were friends,” she said. Jadzia’s face grew slightly more contemplative, though she was still smiling.

“Benjamin needed to loosen up, and Curzon wanted someone to mentor more than he’d care to admit. Besides, friendships don’t always make sense, you know?” Jadzia shrugged. “Sometimes they just... are.”

Kira looked over at Jadzia, a memory of Bareil asking her how she and Jadzia could be friends surfacing. She remembered wondering what he could’ve meant by that, remembered that she couldn’t pinpoint a particular reason they were friends, just countless reasons she was glad they were. Now, all those same reasons came to the forefront of her mind. “Yeah. I guess you’re right.”

Jadzia’s gaze met Kira’s and she smiled a little bit wider. She looked like she might say something, but then her panel beeped and she turned sharply to focus on that.

“What is it?” Kira asked, standing up. She moved to be behind Jadzia, leaning over her to get a better look at the panel. “Is it the shuttle?”

Jadzia shook her head before she spoke, still staring at the screen. “No. I’m not picking up any sign of them. But there is some kind of subspace anomaly showing up.”

“Do you have any idea what it is?”

“No, though I’d guess it’s where the missing Bajoran officers are,” she said, turning slightly to look at Kira.

“Why?” she asked, sounding worried.

“It’s right at their last coordinates.”

*

Kira was pacing in the runabout, trying hard not to punch something. 

“Okay, I’ve sent a message to the station with our current coordinates, the coordinates of the anomaly, and that we’re investigating.”

Kira nodded. “Have you figured out anything else about it?”

“No. The probe we sent didn’t report anything unusual. It seemed to just pass right through the anomaly. But we don’t know how it could affect the runabout’s systems, or us.”

“Is it possible that the Bajoran shuttle passed through similarly but the anomaly knocked out telemetry or communications or I don’t know, something?”

“It’s possible, but the shuttle hasn’t shown up on any scans and they wouldn’t be out of range of our scanners if they stayed on their planned course, and the probe’s telemetry was unaffected.”

Kira sighed. “What are our options?”

Jadzia turned around to look at Kira. She sucked in a breath. “We can send another probe. We can keep looking for the shuttle, but it still hasn’t shown up on long range sensors. We can turn around, or we can go in. It’s up to you.”

Kira sighed. “What are the risks to us if we go in?”

“I don’t know. Without the Bajoran ship or any signs of it, it’s impossible to stay.”

Kira nodded, seeming to make up her mind. “Take any possible precautions and then take us in.”

It probably wasn’t the smartest decision she’d ever made, but she’d worked with worse odds and she needed to know what happened to the Bajorans.

“I’ve sent a message to DS9 telling them we’re going in. Raising shields. Setting a course for the anomaly.”

Kira really hoped this wasn’t as stupid of an idea as she thought it was.

*

Kira heard— no, felt... or maybe sensed— a greeting. As she tried to respond, tried to form words to ask who was there and what was happening, she realized she didn’t have vocal chords or a throat or a mouth or a body or any of the necessities to speak.

She still thought her questions, the second with increasing intensity. Somehow, she heard-- but again not quite hearing-- Dax say, “I think somehow we've left the physical world.”

Which honestly was just great. “I don't know what's going on here, but someone better put me back in my body,” Kira sort-of-yelled, sort-of-projected. Whatever. 

“We’re sorry, we don't exist on the same plane as you. We transported your consciousness to our plane so we can communicate.”

“That's great and all, but I like our plane, thanks,” Kira responded.

“Kira, this is First Contact for the Federation. We should talk to them.”

“I’m not Federation, and I don't want to talk, I want my body back!”

“This is probably why we couldn't find the Bajoran shuttle.”

“A shuttle with four passengers? We’ve just transported them back to your realm, unharmed.”

“How do we know?” Kira demanded.

“You'll just have to trust us.”

If Kira had her physical body, she would have glared.

“How do you transport us from one realm to another?” Dax asked curiously.

“It was difficult for the ones before you to understand. Your physical bodies and ships are no longer present or existent, but only temporarily. We call on your minds and then place them back.”

“So you've done this to other humanoids before?”

“Oh yes, many times. We like to hear about the physical world, as we do not have one.”

“Now, wait a minute. The Bajoran shuttle must have been here for days. What took so long?” Kira asked.

“Time in your dimension is different than ours. You've already been here for several of your hours.”

“Hours? We just got here!”

“Yes, and you can leave soon, too, but we’d like to learn more about your dimension if you are not opposed.”

Kira would have scoffed and rolled her eyes and almost started to express her opposition, but Jadzia, ever the scientist and storyteller, was already answering.

“Did you hear about the mathematician who hated negative numbers? He’d stop at nothing to avoid them.”

Kira shouldn’t have been surprised she chose to tell a joke, and a nerdy one at that. She could picture the amused smirk Jadzia would be wearing. The aliens, however, didn’t seem to react at all. “Dax, are you really joking right now?” Somehow, she was able to convey her exasperation.

“Actually, just Jadzia right now. They didn’t bring Dax.”

“What is a joke?” they asked.

“Oh, it’s a story or phrase meant to evoke amusement. They’re common in the social interactions of most humanoid species,” Jadzia explained.

“Hmm. And what’s this ‘Dax’?”

“Some members of my species are fortunate enough to enter a symbiotic relationship with another sentient species on our planet, Trill. The symbiont is passed from one person to the next as the hosts die, and it carries the memories from the lives of previous hosts. When fully integrated, the symbiont and host are Joined into one person, though somehow you managed to separate our consciousnesses enough to bring only me.”

“So this... symbiont has knowledge and experiences from hosts before you.”

“Yes.”

“An unfortunate oversight on our part, then. Major Kira, would you mind sharing something with us?”

Kira considered refusing, but she figured this would probably be done sooner if she just did what they wanted, since their request wasn’t too bad. She went with the first thing that came to mind. “Some corporeal species and beings inflict pain on others for their gains with no regard for those they hurt.”

“Ah, yes. The ones before you said something of these beings... Cardassians?”

“Yeah, the Cardassians, but it’s not just them.”

“A lack of pain is one of the advantages of lacking a corporeal form.”

Kira considered that. A world without pain. It wasn’t even something she could begin to conceptualize. So much of what she had endured relied on having a body, all the torture and imprisonment and fatigue and cold and hunger. And here these aliens were, talking plainly about an existence unplagued by physical exhaustion, a state in which you cannot be restrained. Freedom. And they talked about it like it was a given, a fact of life, rather than the likely unattainable goal so many fought for. Kira sort of wanted to scream.

“Thank you,” the aliens finally communicated. “We’ll return you to your bodies now.”

*

Before Jadzia felt anything else, before she even realized she was awake, she felt painfully alone. Her hand instinctively went to her stomach, trying to feel the symbiont. She sat up quickly, her eyes opening.

“Julian!” she said when she saw him, her panic clear in her tone. “Did something happen to the symbiont?”

Julian's face scrunched up in confusion. “No, the symbiont and Jadzia are both fine.”

Jadzia matched Julian’s expression. “But I can't feel it,” she said, not paying attention to the second part.

“Why would you?” 

Jadzia almost started to answer, but was interrupted by a loud cry of, “What the hell?”

She turned towards the noise, her eyes widening in shock when she saw her own body sitting up on a biobed. She looked for a reflective surface, her mouth falling slightly open when she found one. Or rather, Kira’s mouth. She reached up and touched her nose to confirm what she was seeing. “Julian, I'm not entirely sure what's going on, but I'm Jadzia.”

Julian raised his eyebrows and Kira turned towards them. Confusion took over her features, followed by disbelief and then realization. She rolled her eyes. “So that's why it feels like there are seven other people in my head. There are.”

“So, wait, Jadzia’s... consciousness is in Kira’s body, and Kira’s is in Jadzia’s body, along with the symbiont and it’s consciousness?” Julian asked, the disbelief clear in his tone.

“That’s what it looks like,” Jadzia said, her words sounding odd in Kira’s voice.

“And this isn’t a prank?” Julian asked, his eyes darting between the two of them suspiciously.

Kira sighed. “I wish it was.”

*

“So let me get this straight,” Sisko said, looking between the two women in front of him. “You entered the anomaly, communicated noncorporeal aliens, and then woke up in Sickbay in each other’s bodies, and the Dax symbiont along with its consciousness are still in Jadzia’s body with Kira?” 

Kira nodded in the affirmative. Jadzia hummed in assent. 

“I did a neural scan on each of them and their brain wave patterns confirm it,” Julian added.

“Well,” Sisko sighed. “That’s certainly... unfortunate.”

“Not to mention confusing,” O’Brien added.

“Right. So, any ideas on how to reverse this?” Sisko asked, addressing the group.

“Well, couldn’t we just go back to the anomaly?” Kira offered.

Jadzia nodded. “I mean, there’s no guarantee they’d cooperate or be able to help but it seems like the best shot we’ve got.”

“It would be,” Benjamin agreed, “if the anomaly hadn’t disappeared hours ago without a trace.”

Kira’s eyes widened in something akin to horror and she sighed heavily. Jadzia furrowed her brow. 

“Doctor, is there any medical procedure that would reverse this?” Sisko asked.

“None that I’m aware of,” Julian answered, “but I can look into it. I’m not sure that I’ll find anything.”

“Try it anyway. Major, Lieutenant, in the meantime you’re both welcome to take leave while we try to figure this out.”

“That won’t be necessary, Captain.”

“I’d prefer to see to my duties, sir.”

Sisko looked at both of them, squinting slightly before nodding. “Very well. You’re all dismissed.”

*

“Think about it this way. You’re one of very few non-Trills who have experienced being joined,” Jadzia said, her words sounding strange to her in Kira’s voice as they left Benjamin’s office.

Kira rolled her eyes. Well, technically Jadzia’s eyes, but, anyways. “I’m so honored,” she deadpanned.

Jadzia made an expression somewhere between an amused smile and an offended frown. A part of her wanted to argue, to say that Kira should be honored, having a symbiont was an honor. But she reminded herself that Kira didn’t ask for this. Hadn’t begged, worked, and prepared for this for her whole life like Jadzia had. Having the symbiont was probably as unnatural and unwanted for her as not having the symbiont was for Jadzia now, if not worse since she’d never before experienced it.

Still, the comment sort of stung. But without the symbiont, Jadzia was unlikely to challenge it. She’d always had the same conviction, just not the same confidence to stand up for herself. As it was, she crossed her arms loosely, holding her elbows in a position that looked even more out of place on Kira’s body than it would have on Jadzia’s.

“I’m sorry,” Kira said, finally breaking the silence. “I know this isn’t easy for you either. I didn’t mean to...”

“It’s okay,” Jadzia assured. “Let’s just try to fix this.”

Kira nodded briskly. Jadzia noted again how odd their usual actions and quirks looked on each other’s bodies.

*

“You humanoids are so attached to your physical forms,” Odo grumbled as Kira paced in his office, complaining about her current predicament. Kira stopped, spun on her heel, and glared at him. The effect was in some ways lessened and in some ways amplified by the fact that it was Jadzia’s face glaring at him. 

“You’re missing the point. I mean, yes, that is inconvenient, but right now, I’m a little more bothered by Dax,” she said, gesturing to where the symbiont was squirming in her stomach. “And I know Jadzia isn’t thrilled to be without it, though I’m not sure I understand why.”

“I do,” Odo said, his voice uncharacteristically soft. Kira looked at him questioningly. 

“I wasn’t... Joined, I suppose, with Curzon for long, but I appreciated it when I was and I even sort of missed him, or that part of myself, once it was gone. I know it’s different for Dax— er, Jadzia, but I assume it would have to be worse. She’s been Joined for so much longer. Dax is a part of her. It’s like a piece of her has been ripped out. Again.”

Kira sighed. “Yeah. I know. I feel awful. And I wish she had the symbiont with her, for both our sakes. Did you not feel like someone was forcing someone else into your head when you were Joined with Curzon?”

Odo let out a sort of hum. “It’s not such a bad feeling when you’ve been taught that you on your own aren’t worth much.”

Kira’s eyes widened in something like shock, something maybe like pity. She didn’t have an inflated sense of self worth, hadn’t really had any sort of self worth beyond how much she could help the resistance, how much she could hurt Cardassians. She’d never had time to feel particularly self-conscious when she was younger, too busy fighting for her life. And the people telling her she was worthless were the ones she already hated, already wouldn’t believe a word from their mouths. 

She supposed Odo had a different experience with the Cardassians, and based on the importance Trill society put on Joining, she could see how self-confidence could slip beneath the cracks. Kira wasn’t entirely sure how to respond. She tried to make an expression that conveyed sympathy before clearing her throat and changing the subject.

“But I am attached to my physical form, as you put it, too, I guess. I don’t know. I suppose it isn’t the same when you can change shape, but my body has gotten me out of a lot of difficult situations, and I guess you sort of... become grateful for that. Or at least connected. I mean, it’s also caused me a lot of pain, but so would any other body, right? My body and I have been through a lot together and it feels... wrong to be disconnected from it.”

*

“How do you deal with this?” Kira asked through clenched teeth, hand pressed firmly against her forehead and sitting in a way that looked strange on Jadzia’s body.

Jadzia smiled, a bit apologetic and a bit wistful. “It’s all I ever wanted. All I worked for. I spent my whole life preparing for it. Without the symbiont... I’m sure you feel like you’re overflowing; I remember that feeling, but without it, I feel empty now.”

“I’m sorry,” Kira said, unsure of what else to say.

“Don’t worry, we’ll fix this,” Jadzia said, both to herself and to Kira. Without the confidence the symbiont gave her, it didn’t sound very convincing.

“You know, every time I wake up or look in a mirror, I expect to see my body, or Curzon’s, or Lela’s, or Emony’s. I always forget that right now I’m in yours.”

Jadzia almost laughed. She still felt that way waking up sometimes, thinking she was in a previous host’s body still. And seeing Kira’s body instead of her own was understandably still a shock. Jadzia very intentionally did not bring up the countless scars that she’d tried her best to not notice as she’d changed clothes. She didn’t bring up how deep many of the wounds must have been or how close several were to major arteries and organs. She thought about them, though.

“I called Sisko ‘Benjamin’ earlier. He looked a little confused, but I felt mortified. I can’t just go around calling the Emissary by his first name. I think he almost forgot it was me, because he almost called me ‘Old Man.’ Which I guess is technically accurate,” Kira said, her nose scrunching up.

Jadzia did laugh this time. “Everyone keeps calling me ‘Major,’ if it helps. I think I gave Quark a heart attack yesterday when I went in there and ordered a bloodwine. It’s not as good without Curzon in my head telling me that it is.”

“I’m just trying to ignore them,” Kira said, gesturing vaguely to the symbiont with her free hand.

Jadzia paused, not sure what to say. The symbiont meant everything to her. It was something to be treasured, something to work for. She couldn’t imagine wishing it gone. She understood the difficulties, but she never once thought that it wasn’t worth it. 

Dax was honestly a little offended by Kira’s complete rejection of it. Curzon, Torias, and Emony were insisting to her that it was a fun and interesting part of life that she should try to enjoy. Tobin was terrified of her, Lela admired her but wished to advise her, and Audrid was trying to be comforting. Joran was laughing at her, taking sadistic pleasure at her pain, both past and present. And Jadzia, the only one she may have listened to, was the only one who wasn’t there.

Of course, putting it like that wasn’t entirely accurate. The hosts themselves weren’t doing anything. Their memories were simply taking form in the symbiont and desperately trying to reach her mind that she was desperately trying to close off. It hurt, physically. Both her head, and in an odd way that Kira was completely unaccustomed to but that Jadzia’s body wasn’t, her stomach. 

Finally, Jadzia sighed. “Well, I guess I ought to get used to this.”

“What do you mean?” Kira asked.

“I mean, after I die, when symbiont goes to new hosts and those hosts have zhian’taras, I’ll be in different bodies and without the symbiont. This is... good practice,” Jadzia explained.

“Yeah, but that’s different, isn’t it?” 

Jadzia shrugged. “I don’t really know. We didn’t really talk about it at my zhian’tara. Emony was glad she could do gymnastics in Leeta’s body, and Curzon enjoyed shapeshifting, but that was about all any of them brought it up.”

“Well. Just don’t die any time soon and you won’t have to worry about that for a while.” Kira’s voice was mostly even, but something about it betrayed an underlying anxiety. A closeness with grief, with losing people she cared about. A familiarity with losing those she loved, and a fear it would happen again.

Jadzia smiled. “I’ll do my best.”

*

“How’re you doing, Old Man?” Sisko asked Jadzia.

She smiled sadly. “I’m not... I’m not Dax, Benjamin.”

“Right. Right, I’m sorry. How’re you doing, though?”

“I’ve been better,” she said softly.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. It’s not your fault,” she said.

“Is there anything I can do for you while we try to figure this mess out?”

Jadzia looked close to tears. She reached out for his shoulder and pulled him into a hug that he easily and quickly returned. “Thank you,” she said into his shoulder.

“It’s going to be alright, Jadzia.” 

And for some reason, when Benjamin said it, no doubt in his voice, Jadzia could actually believe it.

*

Jadzia was beautiful. Stunning, really. Inhumanly gorgeous. 

Kira was having trouble with that, for a couple reasons, actually. First, she’d always known that Jadzia was beautiful, but being confronted with that constantly, up close, was... difficult.

Second, Kira was not used to being beautiful. Or noticed, or seen that way, or whatever.

Kira wasn’t unattractive. She wasn’t overly self conscious of her appearance. It was very low on her list of priorities. Still, Kira was hard and unapproachable in a way that Jadzia wasn’t, and it was strange to all of a sudden be gorgeous and approachable. People treated her differently, even people who knew her and knew she was Kira trapped in this body. 

It by far was not the strangest aspect of this whole ordeal, but it was uncomfortable. 

*

“Y’know, it’s definitely not the most difficult thing about all this, but you’re too short to reach the top shelves in my quarters and it’s kind of inconvenient,” Jadzia teased as they walked towards the turbolift in ops after a shift.

Kira let out a breath of laughter. “I’m not even that much shorter than you.”

Jadzia made a dubious face. Kira glared. “Well, it’s enough.”

“I’m not even short, you’re just freakishly tall.”

Jadzia raised an eyebrow.

“I almost walked straight into the top of the airlock doorway earlier,” Kira added to make her point.

Jadzia laughed. “I’m glad you didn’t. I’d hate to be welcomed to my body with a concussion.”

“I wasn’t going to hit it that hard.”

“A nasty bruise then.”

Kira rolled her eyes. “I almost wish I did get a bruise,” she said. At Jadzia’s confused and almost offended look, she clarified, “Maybe it would make people stop looking at me all the time.”

“What do you mean?”

Kira gave her a look as if the answer was obvious, but her own confused face continued to look back at her and she sighed. “People look at you a certain way. A lot. Because you’re, you know... attractive. And I’m not really used to that kind of attention.”

Jadzia started laughing almost uncontrollably. An ensign looked at her strangely as they left the turbolift, probably more so because she looked like Kira.

“What?” Kira asked.

“It’s just funny,” she said breathlessly when she could speak again. “Nerys, you’re one of the most attractive people I’ve met and you’re confused because people look at you when you’re in my body.”

Kira blushed profusely. “That’s... sweet of you. But you have to admit that people don’t look at me the way they look at you.”

“Sure,” Jadzia conceded. “But that’s because you don’t use your looks.” 

“What’s that mean?”

“It’s not a bad thing, you just don’t. I didn’t before I was Joined either.” Her voice took on a sad note for her second sentence, and Kira reached out for her arm to offer comfort. Jadzia smiled at the gesture. “And for the record, people may look at me as more attractive, but they look at you with more respect.”

Kira scoffed. “I don’t know about all that.”

“I do,” Jadzia said softly. 

*

“Captain, Major. Sorry to interrupt, but Dax-- er-- Jadzia and I may have an idea of how to fix this,” O’Brien said, stepping into Sisko’s office with Jadzia a step behind him.

“Let’s hear it,” Sisko said, turning to face them instead of Kira who he’d been talking to. 

“There are theories regarding using transporters to transport consciousness and brain waves rather than a full body. It’s never actually been done before, but I’ve been reading up on the theories and I think we may be able to make it work,” Jadzia explained.

“We’ll need to modify the transporters and we’ll have Doctor Bashir monitor their brain activity to make sure that it works and nothing goes wrong. We should be able to stop the process if it’s doing either Jadzia or Kira any harm, if we do it right,” O’Brien added.

“Good. Get to work on those modifications, then,” Sisko said. 

“One more thing, Captain,” Jadzia said, before turning to look to Kira. “Tobin worked primarily with phase coil inverters, but he was also well-versed in the theories on neural transporters. Our technology is a little different now, but his expertise would still certainly help us with the necessary modifications.”

“You want me to stop resisting Dax so I can have access to Tobin’s knowledge,” Kira said.

Jadzia nodded nervously. “I know you don’t want to, but it’s the best shot we have at getting our bodies back.”

Kira sighed. “Okay. Tell me what I need to do.”

Jadzia smiled. “Thank you, Nerys,” she said softly.

*

“Stop focusing on ignoring Dax. Listen,” Jadzia said. 

“I’m trying to listen,” Kira responded, teeth gritted.

“Relax. Take a deep breath. You’re not going to get anywhere like that. You need to keep your mind open and stress closes it off, makes us stick to what we know.”

Kira glared. “Sorry I’m a little stressed about this,” she retorted sarcastically. Jadzia gave her look. Kira let her shoulders sag. “Sorry,” she said, this time genuine. “It’s just hard for me to relax.”

“I know,” Jadzia said softly. “But will you try? For me?”

Kira would probably do anything for her. She nodded.

“Thank you, Nerys. Now, close your eyes and focus on the feeling of the symbiont in your stomach.”

“Okay.”

“Feel it relax inside you. Feel its mind reaching out to yours.”

Kira inhaled and tried to feel it, beyond just the vague sense of something being off in her stomach. She focused on the alien presence in her mind, grasping at her trains of thought and trying to share its own. Trying to merge the infrastructure of their heads into something cohesive. Despite her trepidation, Kira trusted Jadzia-- and Dax-- enough to lower her walls enough that Dax could come in. She was immediately overwhelmed by the flood of memories and stories and thoughts and ideas.

“I can hear it,” Kira whispered. “I’m Dax.”

Jadzia smiled a little with pride in Kira, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. They were too full of sadness and loneliness and, despite her understanding of its irrationality, envy. “Good,” she said.

“It may take some time for me to sift through and figure out what we need to know, wow, this is... a lot.”

Jadzia knew that, of course she did. But she felt like too little. 

*

Having a task helped Jadzia ignore the pain and emptiness of being without Dax. She’d been doing her best to ignore how lonely she felt, how wrong she felt. Not only was she in the wrong body, her mind was wrong. Part of her was missing. 

But doing something, something she was good at, to get it back? Well, it definitely didn’t make her feel whole again, but it did help to hide the void that Dax’s absence had left.

*

Julian looked at Kira’s posture, her hands held behind her back, and raised an eyebrow. It was hard to remember who was in which body even with them wearing the correct uniforms, but especially since Kira had inadvertently adopted several mannerisms from Dax. 

Kira noticed the look and followed Julian’s eyes, only then realizing that her hands were behind her back. She rolled her eyes and moved them to her hips. “Lela,” she explained to Julian. He nodded. “Anyways, is everything ready?”

“O’Brien and Jadzia are fiddling with the transporter, just like they were when you left them. They should be here any minute.”

“Good.”

*

When Jadzia walked into the room, Kira noticed the symbiont reacting. A quickening of its pulse, which made Kira notice for the first time that there were multiple hearts in the symbiont, beating not quite in tandem but somehow in sync, anyways. And all... five, she was pretty sure, of the symbionts hearts started to beat faster the moment her eyes landed on Jadzia. Well, on herself in a way, since it looked like her. This whole ordeal was so confusing.

At first, she assumed it was a reaction to Jadzia’s consciousness, a sort of honing device, the symbiont seeking out its real host. But then she realized there was something familiar about the reaction. Something like how she responded when she saw Jadzia.

Attraction.

But that didn’t make any sense. Unless...

Oh. Dax was attracted to her. Her body, anyways. Well. That was certainly interesting. She hadn’t noticed it before she’d started actually listening to the symbiont, but now it was obvious.

It was an odd sensation, Kira noted, to have a part of herself be attracted to her body. But she supposed it was no odder than half of the woman she was sort of in love with now being a part of her and the other half inhabiting her body. And inhabiting said woman’s body, too.

She just wondered if Jadzia was attracted to her, too, or if it was just Dax. Or if Jadzia Dax was. The differences between Jadzia, Dax, and Jadzia Dax were already confusing enough without the added bonus of Kira being Joined and the two of them being in the wrong bodies, though, so Kira chose not to dwell on it.

Plus, she had bigger things to worry about. She tried to pay attention to whatever it was Jadzia and O’Brien were trying to explain. It made a lot more sense with Dax, especially Tobin’s expertise, though some of it still went over her head.

*

Jadzia stepped onto the transporter and gestured for Kira to do the same. Kira did, looking over to her for guidance.

“If this works,” Jadzia said, “we’ll be back to normal in a minute.” 

Kira nodded, then looked at O’Brien who was standing by the controls, waiting for her instructions. “Whenever you’re ready, Chief.” He nodded in acknowledgement and started to press a few buttons. On instinct, Kira closed her eyes, though she knew she had no reason to. She said a silent prayer to the Prophets, asked them to please let this work.

She opened her eyes and realized the room looked slightly off. Oh. No, she had just moved. 

No. Her consciousness had. She couldn’t feel Dax anymore. She turned towards where she had been standing to confirm, and saw Jadzia’s body next to her. She sighed in relief, and Jadzia’s face broke out into a wide smile. 

“It worked,” she said, her voice content rather than lonely and small as it had seemed for the last few days.

“You did it,” Kira said.

“You helped,” Jadzia countered.

“So did I,” O’Brien cut in. They both laughed, giddy with the feeling of being themselves.

*

“Hey, Dax, can we... talk?” Kira managed to say the next day.

Jadzia smiled a little, though she looked nervous. “I wasn’t sure if we were going to bring it up.”

“Bring what up?” she asked, not quite feigning innocence but not willing to put all her cards on the table quite yet. 

Jadzia gave her a look. “Nerys, Dax still has the memories of being Joined to you, even though only for a short time,” she admitted.

Kira tried to mask the vague sense of horror she felt at that, but based on Jadzia’s sort of hurt, sympathetic expression she didn’t quite succeed. That statement had a lot of implications. It could mean she now remembered aspects of Kira’s traumatic past she’d thought of, in which case she would be very apologetic despite her blamelessness. She could guess that Jadzia was talking about Kira’s feelings for her, though. “Well, then, I shouldn’t have to say anything. Since you know.” Kira tried to turn around, but Jadzia’s hand on her arm stopped her.

“So do you,” she said forcefully. “So don’t walk away. I know you felt it.”

Jadzia hadn’t said anything explicitly, but Kira had a guess as to what she was referring to. “I felt Dax react to you coming into a room. What does that tell me, Jadzia?”

“You felt my attraction to your body, to you. I remember you recognizing it as attraction.”  
“Your attraction or Dax’s?”

“Mine. Mine and Dax’s. Both. It’s the same. It doesn’t matter, Nerys. I loved you when I was just Dax, and when I was just Jadzia, and I love you now, as Jadzia Dax,” she said, her voice full of emotion.

“You... love me?” Kira asked, trying to catch Jadzia’s eyes as she tried to look away.

“Yes. And I realize this sounds presumptuous, and maybe it was just Curzon’s old feelings for me, but based on what I remember I think you have feelings for me, too.”

“Jadzia... of course I’m in love with you. You don’t need my memories to tell you that.”

“Well, you hadn’t,” Jadzia said, her tone too soft and affectionate to be considered bitter. 

“Neither had you,” Kira pointed out, reaching up to interlace her fingers with Jadzia’s on her arm. Jadzia halfheartedly shrugged in concession, before leaning forward to kiss Kira gently. When she pulled away, Kira was beaming at her. “Well, I guess at least something good came from this whole mess.”

Jadzia grinned back.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if i fucked up any trill lore but lbr trek fucked up their own worldbuilding and shit all the time so i get a free pass lmao. thanks for reading and i hope you enjoyed it!


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